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Is all fair in love?

January 11, 2010

So there’s been a hiccup with New Year’s Eve Guy. He’s actually the ex-boyfriend of my best friend’s sister, and my best friend’s sister has taken issue with the relationship. Which has caused BFF to side with her sister, and to tell me that I basically had to choose between her and NYEG. Obviously I chose BFF. And I told NYEG that he shouldn’t come to see me this weekend because it was a complicated situation. He got angry about the situation (not at me, but at BFF and her sister), but he respected my decision.

And then I also got angry about the situation.

If I put myself in BFF’s sister’s shoes, I know that I wouldn’t be thrilled about my ex-boyfriend’s new relationship, but I also know that any hurt I felt as a result would be my problem, not anyone else’s. And I certainly wouldn’t tell someone not to date someone because it would hurt me. I’d tell them to go ahead, and then just deal with my resulting feelings. And it would get easier over time, especially if the new couple was happy. Because that’s what I’d ultimately want–for my sister’s BFF to be happy.

That’s clearly, though, not how BFF’s sister has handled it. She has told me that it would hurt her, and if I continued on with the relationship with NYEG, it would make things awkward when I come to see BFF, since they are roommates. Which would put BFF in a place where she felt she had to be loyal to her sister over me, which would put a strain on the friendship.

Overall, I’m not happy with the way BFF has handled the situation. Of course I expect her to side with her sister, but is that really necessary here? And there were additional hurts. First, she said that I should’ve considered how her sister would react before I kissed NYEG, but she admitted that she herself didn’t even know how her sister would react. She said that I make impulsive decisions without any regard for anyone else’s feelings. Ouch. Second, BFF said that NYEG probably only wanted to come see me because he got the impression that I’m easy. Double ouch. Third, BFF seems to have the (somewhat jealous) attitude that finding love is very easy for me, but it’s not, and I haven’t felt an attraction like I did with NYEG in a really, really long time.

A friend of mine thought that since my best friend wasn’t really acting like much a friend, her opinion here should be null–I should do what makes me happy, and let the friendship chips fall where they may. But. She is still my best friend, regardless of how crappy of a friend she can be sometimes. I don’t want to lose her.

I don’t know what to do. But I’m still angry. So I thought I’d open my dilemma up to my readers (however few there are of you). What do you think I should do?

Edit: Some facts that might be helpful:

1. BFF’s sister broke up with NYEG over a year ago.

2. I do think love is possible here.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. January 11, 2010 4:16 pm

    Hmm – tough one for sure. It’s one of those situations where if it worked out between you and NYEG then it would totally be worth it, but if things fizzled in a few months would the resulting friction be worth the trouble? A crystal ball would definitely be beneficial! I guess you have to go with your heart and explain to your BFF that you were hurt by her comments (easy? wtf?) and that you are seriously considering this guy and don’t see it as a fling. đŸ™‚

  2. Elizabeth permalink
    January 11, 2010 4:23 pm

    Let the situation settle for two weeks. Then talk to BFF’s sister and see how she feels. Get her to tell you how she feels. Maybe she just likes the drama. If it is really going to hurt her then you can re-evaluate, but hopefully she’ll realize that she has no place to be upset.
    Maybe in a few weeks BFF will also have settled down. There is no reason for friendships to end over NYEG, but maybe they don’t have to. I married my BFF ex-loveinterest. It was a rocky start, but eventually everyone was happy.

  3. January 11, 2010 4:49 pm

    wow. i’m with elizabeth (above), i would let things settle and then talk about it some more. i would also have a very serious discussion with BFF, because calling you easy? what the hell? that’s not EVER okay. it seems like BFF’s sister is being bratty about the whole issue, the relationship was over a year ago and since they aren’t together anymore she really shouldn’t have any say over his life (or yours) at all.

    I’m sorry you are in this situation. what a crappy, drama-filled headache. keep us posted.

    also? the bratty side of me wants to say just go ahead and go out with NYEG, be sneaky and have fun! but that’s the bratty side of me…so take that for what it’s worth.

  4. carl permalink
    January 11, 2010 5:57 pm

    Maybe it’s because I’m a guy, but how many ex boyfriends ago is this for BFF’s sister? If they’ve been broken up for more than a year, surely she has moved on and isn’t still hung up on him. Sounds to me like she doesn’t want the guy but she doesn’t want anyone else to have him either. I would be less concerned about BFF’s sister and more concerned about BFF’s thoughts. Surely she’ll come around if you explain things to her. And if she can’t give you at least a little support, maybe she wasn’t as good a friend as you thought she was?

  5. theodoreclancy permalink
    January 11, 2010 5:57 pm

    Sounds like a winner-take-all jello wrestling match to me.

    Was that helpfull? I thought about it for a while and really think it’s the best solution.

    Let me know who wins, post some video on the blog if it’s good.

    Or go with what Elizabeth said, either way he lives 3 hours away, so WTF?

  6. January 11, 2010 8:37 pm

    Ugggh this is a toughie. I agree that letting it cool off for a few weeks and then talking with BFF’s sister again if probably the best bet.

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