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Days Six, Seven, Eight, Nine

September 21, 2009

I’ve been sick since my last post and have spent the last several days in a fog of DayQuil and NyQuil alternately, with some cough syrup and ibuprofen thrown in there as needed. I got tested for the flu on Friday, but the test was negative (thank ya Jesus), so I got a flu shot immediately thereafter.

My recently laid-off husband-turned-housewife took good care of me, and I was too tired to put up my usual guard with him, so we were able to share some tender moments over the last few days.

That all ended Sunday night, when I was feeling better. C and I went to go get some frozen yogurt, and a fight we had there made me realize that I’m STILL not getting any of my emotional needs met in our relationship. And that I get more emotional support from my friendships than I get from my marriage. And, well, that’s not really sitting well with me.

Usually when I get to a point of emotional desperation, I reach out to the man I had an affair with. Which, yes, does meet my emotional needs in a way, but also causes a whole slew of other problems, not the least of which is the fact that it enables me to stay in my marriage because 1. it makes me feel guilty and I convince myself that I must not really be trying, so I should try to keep trying, and 2. it lets C off the hook for meeting my emotional needs during the time period I’m in contact with the other man.

But this time I’m not going to contact the other man. I’m going to go this alone and see how bad things truly get. It’s gonna suck. But it’s necessary.

Anyway, all these days are obviously “no”s. But. Things are slowly becoming clearer than they’ve ever been for me.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. September 21, 2009 10:20 pm

    Be brave dearie. My heart feels for you.

  2. September 22, 2009 5:44 pm

    I actually had this pointed out to me by “the other guy”, that I was using him as an emotional surrogate for the needs that were not being met by my husband and he wasn’t interested in being that anymore without the rest of me.

    It does suck, believe me. I guess the thing that I have found is the only person who can meet my emotional needs is me, because I never communicate my needs to anyone else.

  3. September 23, 2009 8:51 am

    I wonder if C realizes that these first weeks living together again are also a test for him…to see if he will rise up and be the husband you need him to be and meet your needs? Have you discussed this with him? And I’m curious if he even realizes you have very crucial needs that are not being met?

    Thinking of you during these difficult days and weeks.

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