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T-Minus Three Days

September 9, 2009

I bought the boxes today on my lunch break. The storage place I went to no longer sells boxes (?), so I drove down the street until I found another storage place. This one did sell boxes, though the sales clerk had such a terrible cold that she could barely speak. I tried not to breathe as she rang me up. 5 small boxes and 5 medium boxes for $26. 5 small boxes is nowhere near enough for my books. The good news, however, is that I prefer paperbacks.

And apparently storage places keep their doors locked and one has to request entry. Who knew? At first I thought the locked doors was a sign, but then I realized that I AM moving on Saturday, regardless of where I end up moving to. And that I will need boxes no matter what. My lease is up.

The packing will begin tonight. With a good friend and lots of wine.

I vacillate wildly between being certain I’m doing the right thing and being certain I’m doing the wrong thing. Part of me is fairly confident when moving day comes I’ll just give the movers my friend’s address and say “change of plans, boys.” She’s offered to let me live with her. Maybe C can be grouped into that “boys” so that I don’t have to deliver the news twice.

Sometimes when I think about the man I had an affair with before the separation, I imagine a magical rope wrapping around us as we embrace. Something out of Disney’s Fantasia, perhaps. Or Cinderella, like the blue wisps that wind around her bodice as the Fairy Godmother dresses her for the ball–Bippity Boppity Boo. Binds that are so strong they are visible even though they shouldn’t be, pulling us together.

When I’m with C I sometimes look for the magical rope, but there is none. Just space and silence. Where’s our Fairy Godmother?

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. Breanna permalink
    September 9, 2009 2:27 pm

    Thanks for sending me the link to your new blog. I was starting to wonder how things were going for you. I moved into my new skyloft two weeks ago. Seems our paths are a bit different now. As I move in alone and happy with a new kitten, you are moving back in with C. The most luck to you.

  2. September 9, 2009 3:08 pm

    This post caused tears to fill my eyes…of course I’m at work, so professional, right? I think it caused me to cry because day after day I desperately look for that magical cord that ties me to my husband. That fog that should surround us so thick with love and passion. But it’s not there..and I’m not sure it ever was. And that fact terrifies me.

    Thanks for sharing this journey with us.

  3. Lindsay permalink
    September 9, 2009 8:53 pm

    Thanks for sending me the link to your new blog; I have been wondering how everything turned out for you. I hope you find happiness, wherever that might be.

  4. September 10, 2009 8:58 am

    Whatever comes of it, I wish you the best of luck. I do think however, if that bond isn’t there it cannot be faked. Perhaps moving back in with C is the only way for you to ascertain just what exists between you and he. I think moving back sort of open-ended is a wise thing, consider it an experiment. Some days will be better than others no doubt, but if after 30 days you find yourself hiding in the shower again crying, perhaps you and he are better off apart. Time will tell and it sounds like you have some great friends to support you. Good luck my dear, I look forward to reading what the next 30 days entails.

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